I love flying. Especially at night, when the city lights underneath the airplane glimmer just as bright as the stars above and as they melt into one view, you can’t tell when the city ends and the sky begins. And as the flight takes off, I feel all my worries wash away, as I zone out with the movie of my choice.

So, when I left for the UK, I obviously chose the flight that left at 11:30 p.m. I figured it would be the same, I’d put on my face mask, browse through the in-flight film catalogue, and let myself escape for the next 10 hours. However, as we took off, something unpredictable happened. A fear gripped me. A fear of what if I am not good enough? What if I fail? What if I don’t make any friends? What if I don’t belong?

This had never happened before— in all my 24 years of flying, never once have I flown with anxiety, even when we hit turbulence; I was always calm. This was unprecedented and I was severely underprepared. Even after we landed, even after the immigration, even when I got in the taxi to get to my accommodation, a place (or rather, a room) I would call home for the next year, the anxiety lingered.

In retrospect, the flight was just the beginning. The journey ahead would be a lot more surprising than I could have ever imagined. The first few days of my masters were colored by comparison. I knew I had to be competitive to “make it” but I felt a sting of that same fear every time someone gave the right answer instead of or spoke of theories, I had never even heard of. It all came to a stand at the end of the first semester, when I had a statistics report due and two exams right on its heels. I realized I was stuck, paralyzed by this fear, of not being good enough. And I realized that this had impeded me. I chose to do my masters to be challenged, to push my boundaries and grow. But, all I had done was let my anxiety stop me from growing.

Growth happens in discomfort, but one needs to choose to grow. I had chosen to stay in my discomfort, make a nest and burrow in it. So, I decided I would get better. And I did. I might not have all the answers, but I had resolve.

I answered the professor’s questions, even when I knew I was wrong, I opined even if I did not have empirical theories to back myself up. I spoke to people and connected with them. And I learnt they were just as nervous as I was about fitting in, and just as excited to see what the future held.

This master’s has taught me a lot more than how to make companies efficient or what predict job performance. I have learned even beyond the confines of the classrooms. Although it hasn’t erased my self-doubt, it has helped me recognize a better version of myself and that I can grow even in doubt. The city lights and stars might seem the same when you’re up in the sky, but they belong to separate worlds. In a very similar way, I might be the same person, but the version of myself that existed before and after this masters are separate by this experience that changed me.

Written by Abheepsa Deka, a current MSc Business Psychology student.

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